Abstract: Share my feelings

Like many others, I used to fill my blog with technical posts and informational content, sharing whatever knowledge I could offer to the world. But recently, I’ve felt drawn to a different kind of writing – one that’s more personal, more reflective. While this space remains public, I’m choosing to focus less on specific details of events and more on capturing feelings and moments, creating a space that’s authentically mine.

As I look back, I’ve gone through some really tough times - during 2008-2010, 2013-2015, 2018-2019, and recently in 23-24. Each period was different, with its own story to tell. I won’t get into the details here - they’re either too personal or too complicated to explain to anyone except my closest friends. But I want to share how these times made me feel.

2008-2010 and 2013-2015 Between 2008-2010 and 2013-2015, I dedicated myself to discovering my true aspirations and embracing risks. Looking at my educational background, one might assume my academic success came easily. People often think I haven’t faced real setbacks, and that if I encountered any difficulties, they were mostly self-imposed challenges. However, my journey to both university and my PhD has been far from linear. In my younger years, I was drawn to the path of least resistance, avoiding competition. During these pivotal transition periods, I felt the urge to let life unfold without pressure. Yet each time, I realized I couldn’t be content with that approach. While I sometimes need to recharge, I am ambitious at heart. Avoiding difficult learning experiences would limit my potential, ultimately leaving me dissatisfied, regardless of financial stability or a comfortable life.

Secondly, unlike people with similar backgrounds, I explored many different paths. Because I made numerous attempts, I often found myself in a position of catching up to others. During this process, I developed an almost irrational confidence in my ability to achieve my goals, no matter how late I started. Throughout my academic journey—from high school through college and into my PhD—there were always established routes pioneered by my seniors that I could have followed. Instead, I consistently chose to explore and discover what worked best for me personally, even when those around me doubted my choice.

2018-2019 and 2023-2024 In 2018-2019 and 2023-2024, crises beyond my control occurred in my life, significantly impacting both my work and personal life. These crises became my biggest side projects, sometimes consuming 20%, and at other times 50%, of my bandwidth.

I developed my crisis management skills along the way. When those around me were at a loss and didn’t know what to do, I told myself to stand up and figure out the next step as quickly as possible. In the end, this helped us avoid making fatal mistakes. However, I must admit that I also felt desperate and helpless while managing these crises.

When these events happened, I often wondered why I was so unlucky and why I had to waste time dealing with them. I became very anxious since I had no choice but to wait for the results, which took one or two years. During this process, I learned to be patient and to let life go on while awaiting results that could have a huge impact on my life. I became more resilient because of these experiences.

I still remember the times when I felt desperate and struggled to breathe, as well as the moments of relief that followed. As the saying goes: Remove any moment from my life, and I wouldn’t be who I am today. I value these moments.